A history lesson and some pizza

Sounds fun doesn't it? Especially when the topic of conversation is none other than early Johnson County settler B.M. Crust!

Mr. Crust's bio is full of impressive accomplishments. For instance, he was apparently "the second actual squatter sovereign, in Leavenworth County." A squatter indeed.

In a lame attempt to improve the quality of this admittedly dubious post, I (against my better judgment) decided to google "bm crust." Imagine my surprise in discovering something called Pizza BM Crust all over the interwebs and so forth. Can you fathom the deliciousness?

This had me utterly confused for a while but eventually I figured it out: bread machine crust.

Sigh.

Looks dirty but it's not

Many thanks to Leigh Ann for this one.

I think the funniest aspect is under "related videos" is something named "crazy girl blowing balloon with asshole." Haven't watched that one yet. I'll wait till I'm not at work. That would be awkward.

Sunny D(ick)

This has always been just about the most annoying and preposterous beverage, and not in good way, like Tang. The commercials were terrible, obviously geared toward children who watched 90210 un-ironically.

Well, now as Consumerist has pointed out they have basically gone ahead and put a penis right on the label.



This may have them reaching for the purple stuff instead.

Blog names

Found this morning via local blogger Erin, a nice blog called "a Slice of Pink."

I can just stop the post right here.

Oh yeah? you're a jerk-off too!

I'm sure meesha v. is sorely disappointed in his homelanders as they suffered a debilitating defeat at the hands of the Spanish national team in last night's Euro 2008 match. Now, I don't keep up with soccer (aka football) at all, much less European soccer, but I did watch the match. So, imagine my delight when I heard ESPN commentators repeatedly referring to a Russian player as "Jerk-off."

Of course his name is Yuri Zhirkov, which just makes it even better. Zhirkov comes from a family of excellent footballer including brothers Luka Zhirkov and Sacha Zhirkov, sister Woina Zhirkov, and father Pieter Zhirkov. Not to mention his distant cousin, Yakov Zhirkov.

It turns out that Yuri is an excellent player, known for his creativity and footwork. Don't take my word for it, check out the video below which highlights his niftiness.

Dirty Librarians

Over at a pretty good library blog called A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette I noticed a post about Library-themed double entendres. There are lots of suggestions in the comments, unfortunately most of them are pretty lame ( as in "I'd like to check her out!")

Probably the best of the bunch was "You'll find him shelved at HQ450" which I know is incredibly dorky, but I'm all over it.



Another good one:

"Can I interest you in some Longfellow or Cummings?"

I love this because it reminds me of one of my favorite Rodney Dangerfield quips from the 1986 comedy smash Back to School which I saw in the theater thank you. Upon learning that Sally Kellerman's character is an English professor, Dangerfield replies "English! Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."

Anyhow the two people who read this blog may or may not know that I am a librarian by trade. Here are some things that librarians say on a daily basis.

"Can you come down here so I can check you out?"

"May I put a hold on that for you?"

"I'm going in the back room to discharge some stuff from the drop-box"

"Just put it in the slot"



And lastly "Boolean operator" sounds kinda dirty doesn't it?

Yahtzee anyone?

This is a damned dirty game.

I recently had occasion to play ( i.e. a hangover) and was frankly shocked and delighted by the sheer dirtiness of conversation during play.

Yahtzee is an easy game. You've seen the scorecards I assume? And understand the object of play?

You see the goal is to fill out your upper half so you can get the big bonus. It's almost impossible to get a bonus if the upper half is not reasonably balanced. You can win the game without a bonus, but it's hard. But don't feel bad if your upper half is not as well filled out as your lower half. Fortunately, it's easy to overcome a bad upper half with a spectacular bottom half.

Unfortunately, it is also possible to have nothing going on in your lower half, especially if you fail to get a large straight. A small straight alone just doesn't cut it, and you can spend a lot of time and energy trying to turn small straights into large straights. It's preferable to get a large straight unexpectedly and spontaneously rather than trying futilely for it over and over again. It can be very frustrating. While a small straight is perfectly fine, they are quite commonplace and not as much a cause for celebration as the large straight.



On very rare occasions, the lack of a large straight can be overcome by getting the bonus.

Birthplace of the Boner

Consider this obituary from the New York Times, 1956:

"Fred Merkle, former major league baseball player who was best remembered for a boner that cost the New York Giants the pennant in 1908, died today. He was 67 years old."

I've mentioned before that "boner" used to refer to a blooper or mistake. Well after consulting three prominent resources on the English language I believe I have arrived at the genesis of this beloved term.

His name is Fred Merkle.

You see, Fred was a 19 year old rookie playing for the New York Giants against the Chicago Cubs in September of 1908. This was the game that would decide the National League pennant. Well, Merkle was on first base with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth when the batter hit a single, scoring another player who had been on third. Guy from third scores and the game is over right?

Well, Merkle didn't run to second. Thinking the game was over he just ran to the dugout to celebrate and was forced out at second by an astute center fielder who realized the run would be nullified at the third out.

So when does this whole thing get dirty?

Well, because he acted like such a bonehead, this mistake on his part forever became known as "Merkle's Boner." No, not "mistake" or "blunder" or "mishap" but "BONER." Poor Mr. Merkle's life was forever associated with a word that came to refer to an erect penis. Consider the headline from September 23, 1908, the day after the game,

"A Boner Buries the Giants"

Now I just have to figure out when "boner" came into its present day usage. What was the transition point?

I'm a librarian I can figure this shit out.

More DE's in the KC blogosphere

Boy, Plog scooped the fuck out of me this week. A fantastic post about dirty names in baseball player history totally takes the cake and was inspired by the recent Chiefs acquisition of hilariously named Mike Cox. For the record, Mike Cox was already on my to-do list for this week. Also, having recently lived in Michigan, I can tell you that the Attorney General of that great state is also named Mike Cox. Anyhow, kudos to Plog--that's what happens when people get paid to dredge up and research double entendres.

For me, folks, it's just a labor of love.

Also Plog posted about a youtube video that another blogger had posted earlier (sorry can't remember who) featuring a Minnesota weatherman enthusiastically referring to Jared Allen's jersey number, #69. I'd embed it, but I'm too lazy.

I'd be remiss not to mention May's fabulous recent post title, "An Orgasm in My Mouth". Tony, for the record this is much more effective at garnering readership than borderline anorexic post-sorostitutes with photoshopped asses.

Lastly, XO, the inspirational figurehead of the local blogosphere dredged up a great picture of "Raper Park." This patch of recreational joy apparently offers restrooms and shelter for all who hangout there. Sorry this joke is becoming uncomfortable so I'll just stop now.

Tom Raper RVs

Thanks to a recent post by XO, I received a blast from the past. When I was living in Chicago, they had these local commercials--you know the ones--poor production values, an overexcited business owner screaming at you, and the seeming inability to keep the family name out of the business name.

I'm talking about Tom Raper RVs.

I couldn't find the commercials posted anywhere, but Tom Raper RVs was all over the place. The monster-truck sounding narrator of the commercials kept saying his name over and over again and there were billboards all over the expressway to Indiana

Dude!

And apparently Mr. Raper has diversified his business interested to include Raper Homes and Raper trailers.

Wow, isn't that great?

Double entendres around the KC blogosphere

It has been a busy week for double entendres out on the internets. Since I seem to be hitting a dry patch (hehe) lately, let's round up some of KC's best jokey jokes in the double meaning realm.

On Monday, KC's favorite Minneapolis transplant dedicated an entire post to a single double entendre. Kudos Keri Oke! She is super excited about the MN Vikings newest acquisition John David Booty. I think we can safely say that everyone is excited to hear all the sportscasters (or if you prefer to call them by that made-up, grammatically suspect word "commentator") unwittingly say all sorts of wonderful things like "Julius Peppers chases booty all over the backfield" or "Julius Peppers has slammed booty hard every chance he's had." Julius Peppers could be the second best name in football. I may actually watch some football this year. I mean we have the likelihood of hearing the words "sack" and "booty" in the same sentence. Awesome!

Last weekend half-baked handyman, blogger, and double-entendrent extraordinaire emawkc reported on a fascinating repair project.

It seems his drain pipe wasn't working properly. The ensuing description had him cleaning downspouts, submerging pipes in trenches, and even putting on a condom (sorta)



Lastly, Laura and Jenna Bush came to town recently. With a president named Bush I'm really disappointed that America hasn't made more of a mockery of him. On the other hand, he's doing a pretty good job on his own. Anyhow, little Jenna's all grown up now but it gives me chance to link to my favorite Onion headline of all time.

UPDATE: MORE DOUBLE ENTENDRES!

Spyder grabbed our attention by alerting us to the available of a great product: Motion Lotion!

Chubby's

I know this might be a topic more appropriate for my other blog but since I haven't actually eaten at Chubby's this actually the more appropriate venue.

No I have never eaten at Chubby's, this apparently legendary KC establishment which has been serving up hangover breakfasts and late-night diner crap to westport drunkards since time immemorial. You know why? Well, I just assumed it was a strip club.

I haven't live in KC too long and don't tend to go out for 3am meals any more (takes away valuable drinking time). So every time I cruised up broadway I never paid it much attention.

But Chubby's? Really?

I've heard their food is good, but how good could it be?

I can't be the first one to make that joke.

Actually the quality of the food has apparently dropped off if the letter to the pitch a few weeks back is any indication. The letter was delightfully titled by the Pitch staff as "Ex-Chubby's Chaser." Last month the Star published a piece with a very telling quote from the Chubby's owner:

"Whenever the name comes up, people say, 'I’ve been there many a time at 3 a.m.'" said Vito LaBruzzo.

Do you understand how a guy could think they were dishing up lapdances instead of eggs benedict? Actually that would be a good euphemism for a lapdance.

Anyway what's really most interesting to me is the raging debate about whether "chubby" refers to a fully or partially erect member. While I don't bandy about the term with any regularity (you know, I'm not a crass guy), my gut tells me it indicates a half-baked bone. Any thoughts?

S & M Communion Bread Co.

This is an old favorite of mine. Back in 1992, some friends and I took a road trip to Graceland and stopped over in Nashville for a couple days.

One day driving around we passed by an unassuming building with a sign that read "S&M Communion Bread Company." Needless to say we all got out of the car and had our picture taken in front of the building. I have no idea where the photo is today-there have been a lot of apartments, cities and brain cells that have come and gone since then.

We didn't go inside, but it must be one hell of a workplace. I'll bet a lot of blood, sweat and tears go into each delightful little wafer.

I can picture all sorts of ritualistic, catholic themed scenarios going on inside, complete with nuns screaming at dopey old guys to make that communion bread faster!

Anyway, it looks like this is a fairly well-known tidbit of info as Steve Earle's sister came out with an album not too long ago that was named after this Nashville landmark.

Mammoth Erection

Those wacky Canadians. No, it's not one of those increasingly tiresome companies selling hard-on pills or dick-enhancing unguents that pop into your inbox (hehe) each day. Mammoth is a different kind of erection service:

"At Mammoth, we pride ourselves in our unique capabilities of performing top quality scaffold erection services using and combining top quality equipment from leading manufacturers to comply with these ever increasing needs."

Nice URL dudes.

www.mammotherection.com

Shamelessly stolen from http://blog.dreamhosters.com/

Dick Hyman

Dick Hyman has been one of the most versatile keyboardists in all of popular music. Since his career jump started in the 1950's, he has played in small jazz trios, popular orchestral ensembles, and as a solo artist. He was one of the first to experiment with synthesizers and wacky electric organs in the 1960's, and put out some awesome albums with titles like The Age of Electronicus , The Electric Eclectics of Dick Hyman and my personal favorite, The Man from O.R.G.A.N..





He went on to a moderately successful career as a jazz pianist in a more traditional style and he's still kicking. He has also scored a number of films over the years, most notably most of Woody Allen's film since the 1980s.

All of this with a name like Dick Hyman.

Barbeque terminology

Yesterday, in the hopes that the rain would stay minimally invasive, I decided to smoke a pork butt.

Yes, I smoked a pork butt, which led to all sorts of spontaneous exclamations every time I went outside to the grill.

"I'm gonna go poke the butt" and so forth. And there was actually a moment where I was actively slapping the raw piece of meat loudly, but I stoppped after it failed to garner sufficient attention from my partner in the other room.

Interestingly, pork butt is actually from the shoulder area of the pig. Kudos to the meat purveyors of America for coming up with a highly illustrative albeit inaccurate label.

As any self respecting purveyor of BBQ knows, one of the keys to ensuring success is the application of a dry rub. A Dry Rub is also known by the completely stupid and un-dirty designation "spice rub."

But to me a dry rub just sounds like an activity for overly chaste sober persons and confused teenagers.

Anyhow, I didn't cook it quite as long as i wanted but the Butt was still damn good. This of course led to a whole series of even filthier exclamations about eating butt.

AerLingus

Now this is an airline I can get behind...er, in front of.


No matter your sex, we can all enjoy some aerlingus once in a while. Just call it Ireland's answer to the mile high club. And no need for that pesky birth control that the pope hates so much.

Thankfully they have their own brand of moist towelette


Found via the Moist Towelette Online Museum

Richard 'Boner' Stabone

Many know him by his given name, Andrew Koenig, but we all lovingly remember him as Mike Seaver's wise-ass friend "Boner" on the 80s sitcom Growing Pains. This is so obvious and classic an example of ridiculousness that it hardly qualifies as double-entendre.

So, why the name Boner? Well, his character is named Richard Stabone. Sta-bone. Ya know, so he's Boner for short. That explains it all, right? Then how do the series writers explain that his first name is Richard? DICK BONER STABONE! That's just about the filthiest name a guy could have (yeah I know, except for Peter O'Toole).

But you should go back and watch the show. It is so hilarious to see the characters on the show, including the adults, consistently call him "Boner" with a straight face. It makes me happy to see that little, ultra-conservative Christian douchebag Kirk Cameron utter "boner" over and over again. I hope it haunts his dreams! (here's a link to a highly uncomfortable video of Mike Seaver himself preaching on the street to Santa Monica "gang members." His Spanish is awesome.)

Anyhow, I almost didn't post about good old Boner until I found out this little tidbit of which I was previously unaware. The actor, Andrew Koenig, who played Boner, is the son of Walter Koenig. Yeah it's true:

BONER IS ENSIGN CHECKHOV'S SON!!!!



By the way, the word "boner" used to refer to a gaff, or mishap. Hence this album from my colection

The Dirtiest Names in Politics

Dick Armey

In fact, that should be the United States Senate's unofficial name. They are one big dick army.

Famous quotes: "If there is a dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up."

Harry Reid

Yes, that's right, "reed" is now another name for penis. I've just decided. It doesn't take much imagination, people.

Sam Brownback

Ahh, a local boy done good. I'm not going to expand much on this, for the sake of the children. Actually "brownback" sounds like one of those silly euphemisms for outrageous sex acts. Do you like the rusty trombone? well, the brownback is for you! I suppose if that kind of name constitutes a double entendre of sort then James Sensenbrenner (R-Wisconsin) takes the cake. The "sensenbrenner" totally sounds like a sex act, and a particularly foul one at that.

Jack Reed

See? I did it again! Reed!

Who are your nominees for the dirtiest names in politics?

Dick Button

Did you watch ice skating last weekend? I did. This is not a common occurrence for me but it reminded me that a regular commentator for these competitions is none other than Mr. Dick Button.



Now, you can put "Dick" in front of pretty much any name and it is funny. We've been doing this since 5th grade and shockingly, it never, ever gets old. Dick Handy! Dick Burns! Dick Gaylord!

But Dick Button might be the best one of all.

It conjures all sorts of hilarious images and applications. What would a dick button look like? Is it a button ON the dick or a button that when pressed, causes a dick to appear? Or causes one's dick to do something really special?





Perhaps it is merely a novelty button that one pins to one's chest. Or a super-stylish way to adorn shirts and jackets.


One thing I didn't know is that Dick Button was one of the greatest figure skaters of all time. The first to land a double axel in competition and the inventor of the spin known as the flying camel!



Here's to ya Mr Button!

Sports terminology

I could go on forever about this topic. But I'll keep it brief.

It's no secret that most professional sports are imbued with highly homoerotic characteristics. We have all heard jokes about the tight end, right? We have all been to a gay Superbowl party and heard the comments, we have all double-taked at a slightly more intimate-than-anticipated college wrestling move.

But the media has a role to play too. Watching college basketball recently, I have been struck with the frequency with which sportscasters encourage players to "pound it inside."

That's right, pound it inside, those exact words.

And don't get me started on the sheer ubiquity of the word "penetration."

"He penetrates and takes it to the hole!" Am I the only one who gets a kick out of sports in this way?

Recently, Kansas City Star columnist Yael T. Abouhalkah set up shop on the paper's news blog Prime Buzz with a rather unusual sports-realted tagline beneath his name:

"High, hard and inside."

You know, like a fastball.

Needless to say the Kansas City blogosphere had a minor field day with that one. And Abouhalkah proceeded to quietly remove the tagline, replacing it with the most un-dirty phrase ever: midwest voices.

Meanwhile, his cohort at the Prime Buzz still desperately wants to "get off."



Okay, maybe that's a stretch.

Personally I think the slider is the dirtiest pitch in baseball. You know,

"he takes a hard slider inside!"

ok I'll stop now.

Kum & Go: They go all out!

No it's not chain of well-lit brothels, but a mere gas station prevalent in the upper midwest. Most folks from states like Iowa or Missouri have seen Kum & Go gas stationss, as they are among the most popular stops for fuel, alcoholic beverages, lottery tickets and ridiculous gear in this region. I'm not going to go into a detailed etymological analysis of certain orgasmic slang terms, but I'm fairly certain that half their business comes from dirty minded folks who get a kick out of the name.



here's joke someone told me a few years back:

Did you hear that Kum & Go is changing their name?

To what?

Ejaculate and Evacuate.

Personally I find Kum & Go hilarious because most people just refuse to acknowledge the outright dirtiness of the name. It's like they just don't realize. Kum & Go is the elephant in Iowa's room.