Monday, March 31, 2008

Sports terminology

I could go on forever about this topic. But I'll keep it brief.

It's no secret that most professional sports are imbued with highly homoerotic characteristics. We have all heard jokes about the tight end, right? We have all been to a gay Superbowl party and heard the comments, we have all double-taked at a slightly more intimate-than-anticipated college wrestling move.

But the media has a role to play too. Watching college basketball recently, I have been struck with the frequency with which sportscasters encourage players to "pound it inside."

That's right, pound it inside, those exact words.

And don't get me started on the sheer ubiquity of the word "penetration."

"He penetrates and takes it to the hole!" Am I the only one who gets a kick out of sports in this way?

Recently, Kansas City Star columnist Yael T. Abouhalkah set up shop on the paper's news blog Prime Buzz with a rather unusual sports-realted tagline beneath his name:

"High, hard and inside."

You know, like a fastball.

Needless to say the Kansas City blogosphere had a minor field day with that one. And Abouhalkah proceeded to quietly remove the tagline, replacing it with the most un-dirty phrase ever: midwest voices.

Meanwhile, his cohort at the Prime Buzz still desperately wants to "get off."

Okay, maybe that's a stretch.

Personally I think the slider is the dirtiest pitch in baseball. You know,

"he takes a hard slider inside!"

ok I'll stop now.

Kum & Go: They go all out!

No it's not chain of well-lit brothels, but a mere gas station prevalent in the upper midwest. Most folks from states like Iowa or Missouri have seen Kum & Go gas stationss, as they are among the most popular stops for fuel, alcoholic beverages, lottery tickets and ridiculous gear in this region. I'm not going to go into a detailed etymological analysis of certain orgasmic slang terms, but I'm fairly certain that half their business comes from dirty minded folks who get a kick out of the name.

here's joke someone told me a few years back:

Did you hear that Kum & Go is changing their name?

To what?

Ejaculate and Evacuate.

Personally I find Kum & Go hilarious because most people just refuse to acknowledge the outright dirtiness of the name. It's like they just don't realize. Kum & Go is the elephant in Iowa's room.